DIARY OF A SINGLE BLACK FEMALE: When The Man Feels Used
Recently I have undergone several reflective moments about my past relationships & intimacy level; and a lot of those memories ended with me shaking my head to myself. I’ve had dialogue with myself, male & female friends in regards to the notion “to have or not to have sex while “technically” single…. which majority of the time relies upon the energy of the moment. I like sex a lot & even within my walls on un-promiscuity & highly-selective nature, my sexuality isn’t always understood & to a degree becomes a deterrent towards a substantial relationship.
You would think a woman who enjoys having sex, open with her sexuality & understands her sexual self would be a bonus to a man but it’s not always the case. Recently, I was talking to a male friend and he told me that I should never talk about sex with a man while dating or getting to know each other; if I care about building a relationship with him… and I was like – really? Then he proceeded to say, at this point in your life you have nothing to prove or share about your sexuality to another person because sexual conversation with a male changes the dynamic & natural direction of the courting process.
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At that moment, it was like a light bulb went off… I was like damn, have I been sabotaging myself all this time – just because I talked about sex or decided to have sex on my own terms?
For an extended period of time I was all about the instant gratification – if I wanted it, I got it because I emotional was not connected to sex; it was more of a release or some kind of “scarred” recovery mechanism.
I’m not sure how that sounds but it’s the reality of a lot woman that are seeking, lonely or trying to eliminate the male double standard in some way or another (if he can do it, so can I). So I thought back to a few failed dating experiences, sexual driven relationships, the homie-lover-friend theory & to love-lost in general….. And I was a little bummed out.
It hit home when I reminisced on dating this young man, who I had strong chemistry with and slept with after about 3 weeks of dating. I recall him being very much into me, he really wanted to get to know me and we never talked about sex. By my request we had sex and after the 2nd time, he said to me “is that all you come to see me for…’ and I was like no. I felt we connected and to add sex was slightly selfish but I would have never thought a man would feel used or that I was moving too fast because of sex – but it happened & we stop seeing each other.
At the time I thought it was just him & maybe my forwardness was not his taste but now that think back on it & think on a few failed or un-progressed courtship… I have to consider the common denominator – SEX!
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Some may say, don’t change who you are or to be in touch with your sexuality is a beautiful thing but can acknowledging it cause a form of alienation
During the dating or courting stage, if a guy asks me a question about sex – I may answer the question or if I’m feeling kinky – I may start dialogue. And in some cases I may engage in the most “falsely” innocent of them all –flirting which leads to the sexual possibilities of or thoughts of. All the above; I saw as fun, some-what light hearted and walking the line of a slight fantasy but I’m starting to re-think that whimsical theory. I